Missing Romulus

Today I am really struggling with missing Romulus.

His memory is still so vivid that it is hard for me to comprehend him never being here again. How can he not be here when I can see him so clearly in my mind? If he were on the couch with me right now, I know exactly what he would be doing and where he would be going and where he would curl up to nap. And it's hard for me not to imagine him being here when we have been in this exact spot so many times before.

But there won't be anymore cuddles, licks, pictures, games, snacks, naps, and shenanigans. He was the best at getting into everything that I didn't want him to get into. And when I held him and scolded him, he knew I'd let him go if he reached out and licked my nose. Made my heart melt every time. I miss that. But I miss everything.

The vet called a few days ago for me to come pick up his ashes. And after three days, I still can't bring myself to drive all the way down there and walk through those doors again. It might make it all too real, and I can't decide if that is good or bad. I do know that it will hurt either way. That place is part of what made losing him so surreal. I never went to that office before, but ended up there three times in one week. The first time, my vet didn't have anyone available so they recommended I take him to this place to be checked out. A week later, I was rushing Romulus to their 24 hour emergency room at almost 9pm. I didn't leave until after 11pm. The next morning I went back to say good-bye. So the whole situation and the place don't seem quite real in my mind. I'm afraid to go back because it makes it all real again. And I'm not sure if that will help me come to terms with his loss or just make it worse.

His second birthday is two days away. I will have to do a little something for Remus, but it makes me feel Romulus' loss that much more.

My little heart is still so broken and there is not much that I wouldn't give to have him back. I know time will dull the ache and ease the pain. But for now, it still hurts and I still have to remember and cry. And apparently avoid that vet office. Maybe I will find some courage and go later. Seems better than going on his birthday, which is my next day off. Definitely not a good birthday chore.