August Book Bingo

I stumbled across this fun new idea on Instagram! A couple of the book themed accounts I follow created/are participating in an August Bingo Book-a-thon. See: nicole_in_neverland: August Bingo Book-a-thon. And here is another person I follow who is doing a slightly different take on the Bingo card: readingdiares: August Bingo Book-a-thon. There are different ways to approach this game.

I was intrigued so I compiled a to be read (tbr) list and randomly placed them on a bingo card that I created. 

My Bingo card!

The same list went on another piece of paper to be cut out, folded, and put in a bowl so I can randomly draw my books. I made some markers I can tape to my card as I go.

My books are a mix of physical and audiobooks. Since I drive so much, audiobooks are a great option for me. And since I tend to read and listen to multiple books at a time, I will have to get creative about how I play this game. I own some of these, but several I can easily get physical or audio copies of to help me balance what I'm reading (I hope).

Anyway, it should be fun! I hope others might join the game. Updates are being put under the hashtag bingobookathon on Instagram, an will probably come up in Twitter or Tumblr as well.

Envying Your Happiness (And an Apology)

Yes, you read that correctly. I am envious of the happiness of others.

I didn't realize it for a while. I have been sad, angry, depressed, et cetera since the break up (of course) and in moments of relief, numb.

So I was listening to this audiobook "Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)" by Jenny Lawson. I was just getting home as she was describing the chapter in which she gets engaged in the most hilarious way possible only to break down in hysterics as I tried to park my car. I was trying to laugh at her outrageous narrative while simultaneously crying--mourning my own loss of my love, my life as I knew it, and a good chunk of my happiness (see also: my security, stability, home).

It then occurred to me how often I have been glossing over my friends' posts about recent engagements, weddings, vacations, honeymoons, home improvements, and so forth. I give them cursory glances and quickly scroll past. For everyone (sorry guys). I had to file away recent wedding invites, thank you cards, and photos, not really realizing why I felt the sudden need to "put them away."

It's because looking at your happiness makes me sad. It makes me miss what I had, (what I thought I had?) and what I thought my life was heading towards.

We were engaged. Vaguely making wedding plans. It was going to be beautiful, unconventional, and fun. We had so many projects going to finish our home to make it really ours. Plans for the future where we would live in a house, or at least a town home or condo where no one would be living above us to wake us up at odd hours of the night. Or maybe our slightly sacrilegious imaginings of purchasing a beautiful ex-church and converting it into a unique home (in which we would rent portions out for gay weddings--this was pre-the recent Supreme Court ruling).

Instead I find my life suddenly and harshly devoid of all of these things. My life had become so entangled with his and our lives so centered around our relationship that I ended up feeling exceedingly lost (and maybe a little broken). I had poured so much of myself into our relationship, especially after our last rough patch (because we were going to make it work! And I had no doubt so I jumped right in with both feet) that I am having trouble finding myself again.

So the happiness (especially in relationships) of my friends serves as a near constant reminder of everything that I have lost. Which right now, seems like an overwhelming amount.

I apologize to my friends. I am happy for you, and I would never wish for any one of you to be unhappy or to give up your happiness. But I envy you right now. I know at the very least, this makes me mean, selfish, and uncaring. I am very sorry for that and I hope no one has felt that I don't care about you or that I am not happy for you. But right now, I can't look at the pictures of the beautiful weddings and smiling faces on the beach. I can't look at the wedding-planning posts and pictures of house renovations and romantic dates nights. I promise that I will be better in the future and I offer the warmest of congratulations. But right now, I have to pass over them. Later on I will go back and look and rejoice for you. But right now I have to keep my rejoicing quiet and brief. I won't mourn forever.

I hope you will bear with me and forgive me. Realizing this made me feel like a horrible person. At the same time, I just need time to mourn. Just know that I love you all and I am happy for you, even if I can't express it in so many words.

A New Chapter

We have come to a sad ending in the last chapter of my life. My boyfriend (and fiancé) of 9 years and I broke up. It has been very hard and I am heartbroken, but comforted by our amicable split which allows us to still help and support each other, my family (who really stepped up to the plate for me) and my friends who have always been amazing at cheering me up.

It's been occasionally stressful because our lives are so very intertwined (which was so easy to do) that it is hard to separate them again. We own so much jointly, we have joint money, joint bills, joint possessions.

Again, I felt overwhelmed by the idea of packing and moving again because I am so very sick of doing that and I thought that this would be my home for many years to come. Plus, this was my home and I put a lot of work and thought into it, too. It's hard to lose that. (Conversely, I think it would be hard for me to stay here because everything reminds me of Isaac).

I am getting better. I know that, one day, I will be OK. That helps. It feels like way too much right now, and I am still so emotional, hurt, angry, stressed, et cetera that sometimes it is hard to remember that. But my appetite has already started to come back a little and I am sleeping a bit better. My crying sessions (of which there are many, about things as trivial as towels to things as big as finding a new place to live) are becoming fewer and farther between (generally). That's also a relief. Even after the first day, I was tired of crying and hurting. It is nice to have a little relief from that, even if I am still a little bit of a mess. But I will survive this and one day I will be OK again.